2009
05.01

For the last several years, most of the United States has been fairly content with ignoring the opinions and jeers of other countries and instead opting to only appear to be idiot savants. Of course, from time to time, politicians, actors, and other familiar members of the Spotlight have opted to remove the doubt by saying something completely inane. That having been said, we as Americans managed to avoid making a show dedicated to showing just how stupid we actually were, until someone came up with this gem of a question: “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

This idea, of course, was pitched to a wealthy person who, in fact, not only was smarter than a fifth grader, but had money as well, and a game show was born. Hosted by the redneck joke master Jeff Foxworthy, the show has become an immediate success. I’m guessing at least a small part of that success is our country’s CUH-RAZY sense of humor. Are we smarter than 5th graders! No, sir!

Ha ha ha. Ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I’m not going to lie. I watch maybe an hour of television a month, if that. It’s become obvious to me that I don’t particularly enjoy tuning in to see the next intellectually devoid reality show that gets shoved down our throats. Just being on the Internet means I can’t avoid wastes of oxygen like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears for very long. I imagine seeing them on television may very well cause some sort of planetary imbalance resulting in the end of all human life.

That having been said, I sat down to talk to my mother and she had the show on, so I took a few moments to take in what I had happily been missing. Of course, they had your stereotypical dumb blonde competing on the show. Though they didn’t show it, I hear they took her to a nearby gas station during one of the commercial breaks so she could give her head a refill via the station’s air hose. The show comes back on, and somehow, this moron has a chance at $500,000. A pause, and then Foxworthy produces what is termed “a first-grade question” that is still, somehow, worth half a million genuine American dollars:

“Which of the continents is also a country?”

I paused, laughed out loud for about five seconds, and produced the correct answer even as I was laughing. How was I able to do it so quickly? Other than the fact that I’m not a moron, you would have to be completely retarded to not be able to answer that question.

Of course, the producers certainly wouldn’t want to put a human being of average intelligence on such a show, so with about ten seconds of effort, they managed to find this airhead who, of course, did not know the answer. Having a reasonable grip on strategy, however, she opted to “drop out” and walk away with 300,000 real, genuine American dollars. Not wanting to let her off the hook so easily, Foxworthy asked her what she would have guessed (assuming she wasn’t retarded).

She did some sort of gesture or dance that was supposed to be cool or hip – which the crowd, of course, ate right up – then replied, “Well, all of them!”

Do you know what an aneurysm is? It’s when a blood vessel – often in your head – weakens at the wall and dialates. It’s widely said that this happens for no immediately apparant reason.

Lewis Black was right. There’s a reason.

Honestly, I think at that point, there ought to be a law that states people with the intelligence of zombies ought to be disposed of as any good zombie should be: shotgun blast to the chest. Foxworthy produced no gun, however, and the show simply ended. An opportunity to benefit all of mankind, and both our government and Jeff Foxworthy failed us.

Quick. Name two countries anywhere in the world. Anywhere.

How about the United States? There’s one. Come on, you can do it.

Cah…nuh…duh? Yes! Canada! Congratulations! That’s two!

Good job! By naming two countries that are not continents, you have proven this bitch wrong! And it’s good to know that, because otherwise, why the hell were many of us fighting NAFTA and illegal Mexican immigration? I mean, since apparantly North America is its own country, Mexicans would have been citizens anyway, and they wouldn’t have been immigrating so much as, well, moving. See? And those silly Canadians? What would they be doing? I wonder…

(TE)DC

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